Your Pathfinders are hammering nails for their Carpentry Activity Award. Suddenly a hammer slips. Jesse’s finger is in the way. 

“#@$%!” says Jesse.

Bad language is practically epidemic in our culture, but it still may startle and dismay Pioneer Clubs leaders when it breaks out in club. How should you respond when kids swear?

When in doubt, wait. It’s important to avoid showing shock or overreacting. If you’re unsure what to do, it’s probably better to let it go while you plan a reasoned response. Sometimes, in fact, the swearing is intended to shock adults, so it’s counterproductive to show a strong reaction. 

In general, your response needs to take into account possible causes that would lead a youngster to use bad language. 

Why do kids swear?  

  • For some kids, swearing is a habit, picked up from the culture around them. They may think it is normal and acceptable, especially if they hear it at home.
  • Others have a vague idea that swearing is not okay, but they don’t know exactly why.
  • Sometimes kids experiment with forbidden language to shock adults and get their attention, or to get some kind of power by seeing adults off balance or even angry. 
  • Kids may swear to sound cool or grown-up to peers.
  • When previously well-spoken kids adopt foul language, they may be signaling that they are troubled or unhappy in some way. They may be acting out due to a deeper problem at home, in school, or in friendships. In this case, swearing is merely a symptom, and the underlying trouble needs to be uncovered and addressed.

What constitutes swearing?  

Bad language comes in a variety of possibilities. The dictionary definition is “to use profane or blasphemous language; to curse.” Other bad language may range from the obscene to vulgar, to inappropriate words for expressing anger, to words or names meant to put down or demean. There are also numerous substitute swear words that you may or may not be comfortable condoning, such as “gosh.”

What you can try. 

You can use several approaches if club members swear. Prayer is a good place to begin. Ask God to help you lovingly guide the children in the right use of their tongues. Then develop a plan, based on your understanding of why these particular youngsters are using bad language and what kind of language they are using.

Your planning should include an understanding of the scope of the problem: How frequent are the occurrences? Is swearing limited to one or two individuals or has it become the whole group’s problem, either because of the numbers involved or the seriousness of the impact on the group. 

As you think about things to try, remember to be calm and kind. Reject the behavior, never the child. Keep in mind that the goal is to train children, not just restrain bad behavior. Here are some ideas for what to do as soon as the swearing happens: 

  • Simply ignore the language to avoid rewarding shock tactics. Resolve to talk to the child privately (while still maintaining your child safety policies) – and soon. Double up on positive attention that is unrelated to behavior and disciplinary situations, using eye contact, appropriate touch, and words of encouragement and interest.
  • Try the direct approach used by one club leader: “I just say to the children that the language is unacceptable. I tell them I realize those words are used by some of their friends but that the way to correct a bad habit is not to start it.”
  • Give a firm, calm, respectful “I message,” including information and a request. For example, “Calling names can be hurtful. I would like you to find another way to tell Cary you are angry.”
  • Try distracting or redirecting a child’s attention. “Lee, would you help me pass out the paper?” Then create an opportunity to talk later, in private, about acceptable alternatives. To redirect the whole group’s attention, you might say, “That’s enough silliness. We need to clean up our supplies so we can have our snack.”
  • For children who know better, sometimes a steady glance, a hand on the shoulder, or saying their name kindly and firmly will be a sufficient reminder.
  • Ask a question that might stimulate a child to think of a better way to communicate. “Are you having some strong feelings about losing the game?” “Were you really thinking about God right then, or did you just want to find a way to let us know how surprised/upset you were when all your stuff fell on the floor?”
  • If the offense is serious and recurs after expectations have been made clear and warnings given, and if a child is uncooperative, he or she may need to be separated from the situation to cool off, settle down, and be ready to cooperate.

Long-term idea 

Perhaps the “bad language problem” is really an opportunity in disguise. Think about your goals as a Pioneer Clubs leader. Are you being given some teachable moments?

Consider addressing how God wants us to treat each other, or use our mouths, or reverence His name. Perhaps it’s time for a Bible Exploration from Proverbs or James on how we can sin or do good with our speech, or on wisdom and foolishness. How about a study on respecting the holiness and the name of God? 

Other long-term methods involve talking, with a view toward educating and problem-solving with children. You can talk one-on-one or with the whole group. If you opt for a private talk, be sure it is private (though with another adult in sight). Don’t embarrass the child in front of others. 

Remember to show respect and unconditional love for the child. Emphasis should be on

  • Making expectations clear (the what and why)
  • Involving the child in finding a solution
  • Conveying a hopeful expectation that the child can grow and take responsibility in this area

If the problem involves the whole group, it may be wise to assemble the club members as a team to develop group-owned solutions. Remember to talk with, not at, your group. Treat their opinions and feelings seriously. Make sure they develop a clear picture of what is and is not acceptable and why.

As you discuss, be sensitive to the fact that some may hear swearing at home regularly. Avoid language that might sound like a put-down of loved ones. 

You may need to add a club behavior guideline on the topic of language. If so, remember to refer to observable behavior and word the rule positively, such as “We will talk respectfully about God and others.”

Be sure the consequences you decide on are logical and age-appropriate. For example, a logical consequence for 3rd-6th graders for swearing at another club member might be to find something positive to say about that person. 

As you implement ideas for change, remember that learning new habits is a process. It takes time to unlearn behavior. Offer praise for progress, especially for those times when club members slip up and then self-correct or apologize. 

Highlight successes: “You were angry when your paint spilled, and you let us know your feeling in some good words. Thank you for sharing your feeling. Would you like help to clean up?”

Where to turn for help.  

If you try to solve the language problem at the club level and it doesn’t improve, don’t just go it alone. Talk to the club coordinator, other club leaders, or church leaders. Involving parents can be a helpful step.

Any club problem can become an opportunity to teach, both directly and indirectly, depending on how you treat the children and implement solutions. Think about ways to train and guide and bring out positive behavior. Don’t just focus on policing for sin. Work with the children, showing love and respect.